Extremely Foreword: Who Needs Conspiracies?
8 Feb 2023

I’m not the sharpest cookie in the pencil jar, I’ve been reliably informed, by a gentleman who knows things. He really does know things, too – because he has very strong opinions on nearly everything. What is amazing is how wrong everyone else is. We all share one angle on things, but this guy, he gets the truth in ways us mere mortals can never understand.

You see – through sheer superior intelligence – and by way of a few YouTube videos, miraculously uncensored, he understands what you and I don’t. A secret organization is behind everything in the world. All of it. They secretly control all the world governments, and the media, and business, and the banks, and money.

You might have come across this theorist, and depending on the mood he was in, the latest video he watched, or whatever flavour of the month was hanging around the Zeitgeist like toilet spray after a particularly gut-wrenching dump… he might even have been generous enough to name the Secret Group behind it all.

For some reason, they’ve left him alive to tell the rest of us… but hey.

Also, for an equally mysterious reason, the Illuminati (we can call them that, although, no doubt, our terms will be outdated and he will soon educate us on their True Identity) – seems not to be able to get much done.

Ladies and gentlemen, in all seriousness, look around you. You see that? That, going on beneath the headlines just outside of your window?

Yeah – clearly, no one is in charge.

A secret group of cold hard elitists running the world? Yes, please! Where can we sign up? I’m dying for someone with some brains, brawn and boundless bank accounts to run stuff properly. The sad truth is that – if indeed there is a secret group running things, they are hopelessly inept and suck at their job. That stuff out there… none of that is planned or organised. You need chaos or criminal incompetence to achieve that.

Take these wankers at the World Economic Forum. What do they actually do? What do they actually achieve?

We’ve listened to them for ten years talking about ‘The Fourth Industrial Revolution’ as if that concept was anything but a desperate, reaching-for-straws cliché designed to let the middle management classes have something to talk about over the sandwiches at team building events. Or for the worst of the world’s clueless politicians to pretend they offer their constituencies something more than rhetorical flatulence and accountability dodging.

It would seem – thank goodness – they have finally tired of that song sheet. So now they drop new catchphrases… Build Back Better and other empty hot air clauses about as relevant and real as the last few dozen constructs they’ve bleated to a bored press.

Boys and girls, it’s time to be adults: no one is in charge and there is no one running the show. Certainly not the knobs in Davos.

They might pontificate and prophesize, baiting the credulous into fear-filled conspiracy theories about how they are going to get us all to eat insects, own nothing and be happy. The reality – as Hollywood can no doubt inform the circle jerk of titans – is that a bunch of virtue signallers can say what they like but that does not mean the rest of the herd will play ball.

In the end, market forces, like gravity, prevails.

They can pretend to socially engineer the world better because their virtues are as big as the deference with which their staff treat them, but all they need is one truly blue collar person to cut them right down to size.

So please spare me the conspiracy theories. If a powerful and secret group truly did run the world, it would 1) be a better place and 2) you’d be dead for mentioning them.

And as for those who show up repeatedly at Davos…

Get off your high horse, go do what your shareholders pay you for and stop pretending you’re Mother Theresa because you knew how to play corporate politics or some dumbasses in your jurisdiction were gullible enough to vote for you.

As you were.