The roses aren’t talking to the tomatoes, because they keep posting extremist content. The daffodil overshared some tender and private thoughts, seeking likes and attention. The cabbages called me hateful. The peas said it’s okay to disagree – but not if you deny my basic humanity. The lotus didn’t bloom this year, it’s on strike in solidarity with an organization every ethical person must publicly support despite their dodgy dealings, hyperbolic assertions and mansion purchases. The hydrangeas piled on to the chrysanthemums, demanding grovelling public apologies. Meantime, the star jasmine published a gotcha expose about yet another nobody you’ve never heard of, but it assures us all this one is a real bigot, although the last three people they did that with turned out not to be. The ivy took a firm stand against gay marriage – boosted and empowered by all the latest overreaches – reminding us all that just because we might have given up on some parts of the culture war, it will hold firm the iron rod until hell freezes over. The carrots were deeply offended by what the apples implied. The bees kept buzzing around everyone’s space, some selling stingers, others honey.
And no, none of this happened.
Which is why I am here instead.